Top 5 reasons why the Celtics will not win the NBA Championship

Top 5 reasons why the Celtics will not win the NBA Championship:
5.) Because Big Baby Davis is actually a mutant infant with slightly more advanced motor skills for someone that age.
4.) Because Kevin Garnett will slip on a pool of Doc River’s nose grease and fuck up his knee again.
3.) Because Rajon Rondo has been battered and bruised like a southern wife in previous rounds by the likes of Shaquille O’Neal and Dwight Howard.
2.) Because Paul Pierce’s stringy and patchy facial hair will be determined to be a cancerous growth, leaving him with about 3 days to live.
1.) Because Boston sports fans are 96% more intolerable than LA Lakers fans, and the NBA refs know this.

Fantasy Football Championship

I won my fantasy football league.  This post is to acknowledge just how awesome I am at predicting meaningless statistics.  I would like to thank the dynamic duo of Phillip Rivers and Vincent Jackson, as well as the record-breaking year of Chris Johnson.  Also worth mentioning is the hugely disappointing season for the Pittsburgh defense (Go Browns!), and of course the stepping-up of Giants receiver Steve “My Teammate Shot Himself In The Leg Lolz” Smith.

The fruits of my labor include a tiny graphical trophy buried in my Yahoo account information, bragging rights that last for about 7 more months, and a false sense of security that I could do it again next year.

Eric Mangini.

Edit: I neglected to mention the absolute lack of production from my rotating Tight Ends.  I’m 90% certain that over the course of the entire season they still netted me less than 0 points, that is, I would have fared even better if I hadn’t played them at all.

Eli Manning.

The Stonewall

It’s a hard world out there, folks, and I want to talk about one aspect of our daily lives that is a source of grief for many:  poor communication.   On any given day we communicate with loads of people,  some familiar and others foreign, and both instances have the ideal result, that you have made yourself understood and further, that you have understood the other individual.  Of course, both of these responsibilities are apt to countless miscues which is basically why we have things like war, divorce, and Larry David.

Let’s assume for a second that you represent yourself exactly the way you had intended, with the proper inflection, expression and posture, a rare occurrence for most.  Even if, according to you, things go swimmingly, you have no idea how the other party will react.  You could cough at an inopportune moment, or have a sudden facial tic, or even have the occasional brain fart that might suggest to the other party that you are being insincere in some way.  That’s why I’m of the charitable and compassionate opinion that all misunderstandings have their origin in the other person.

Some of these non-verbal communications convey to the other party much more than a briefly summarized vocal delivery could.  Have you ever been engaged in a friendly chit-chat with someone, and they make a real obvious motion to look at their watch?  About how long did that exchange last after the person checked the time?  The answer is about three seconds, or long enough for them to say “I’ve really got to run, see you later.”  It’s these empty motions and gestures that constitute the bulk of our communication which is why experts say that 90% of our communication is done without speaking.

Now I want to talk about a form of non-verbal communication that surpasses the eye-roll, the distracted eye-contact and the smile and nod.  The true king of non-verbal communication is something I like to call The Stonewall.   Also known as The Cold Shoulder, The Snub, The Walk Away, or the Ignore, this little device communicates more clearly any of the previously mentioned “moves.”  In fact, nothing says “I’m not interested in communicating with you” better than saying absolutely nothing at all.  Dealing with being incommunicable, those receiving such a shunning have been driven to at worst bouts of hysteria, and at best domestic beer and late-night television.

Part of the power of the stonewall is attributed to its versatility.  Most popular of these and easiest to get away with is the telephone stonewall.  It’s quite simple to ignore a phone call, or not respond to a text message.  But not always is this clearly expressed silence obvious to those naive enough to follow-up on the assumed dropped call or unsuccessfully delivered text. These are the same people who will inevitably find their communications continually bouncing off the very same impenetrable stone wall.   Which highlights another feature of the stonewall: the strengthening of its message through repeatability.  Some call this the Broken Record approach.

Before continuing let me be clear that I do not condone stonewalling of any kind, having been shamed by it so frequently myself.  Allow me now to bring to you a real life instance of the stonewall in hopes that it serve as a cautionary tale.

Imagine if you will a typical gym: people exercising in harmony, a body of citizens united under a common goal of fitness and a clean conscience.  I, like many others around me occasionally stop to exchange pleasantries with friends and family when it is convenient to do so.  I do not venture to the elliptical section to be friendly lest I be bludgeoned to death with the fury of a thousand thrashing ponytails.  So, when an attractive young lady who I had met at a bar the weekend previous walked by my machine I offered a friendly wave.  Not an aggressive chin raise (sup), mind you, but the best smile I could muster and a steady hand raise.

This did not elicit a response.

A thousand reasons for this were immediately apparent: her headphones were in – maybe she didn’t hear my wave; it’s a busy landscape – her eyes seemed to take in every detail of the scene around her except my presence; she is distracted by some very complicated and consuming traumatic event in her personal life and is coming to the gym to only work off some stress – I myself feel antisocial sometimes.

I should have seen the warning signs, but this was a gentle stonewall, a pile of pebbles over which I stumbled.

I carried on with my routine which somehow happened to be scattered around the very same corners of the gym where she was working and I allowed the charade to continue.  In a flash of brilliance I decided to return the treatment.  I’m not here?  Fine.  Neither are you.  This was quite a rush for me as I’m sure you could imagine and I think I managed an extra sit-up or two during the next set.  She drifted off to another machine but soon returned to retrieve the water bottle she had left on the ledge next to me.  I saw that she was no longer wearing headphones, so I seized the moment to give a more obvious greeting.

“Hi, Stacy” I offered in the friendliest nonchalance I could in a volume that was perhaps unnecessary.

This also did not elicit a response.  Her eyes never left the bottle, and I sat there, jaw on the floor, my eyes following her expertly bobbing hair queue while it flit out of sight.   I think one of the meatheads who had been checking her out earlier stifled a laugh.  Maybe he was right to laugh – only fools try to overcome the insurmountable stonewall a second time.  It’s like trying to hit the square block through the triangle hole.  Persistence does not prevail, and you wind up looking like a damn fool.  But our exchange the weekend prior was very pleasant and non-threatening.  Why should future exchanges be any different?  Why is she wearing all that spandex if she really doesn’t want any attention?  More questions followed, but one thing was clear: this was a public shaming comparable to being thrown naked into the stocks.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is The Stonewall To End All Stonewalls: ignoring of a verbal greeting.

The moral of the story?  Don’t shun people: the blogosphere has enough self-pity posts as it is.

Sportscaster grammar

If I were a dedicated individual I would make an effort to investigate the origins of the “you talk about” phrase used so often by sportscasters.
For example: “You talk about Ladanian Tomlinson, now here’s a guy who knows how to take care of the football.”

Now, there is no clearly expressed punctuation in the delivery of such a statement (as written it probably calls for a colon). But what about the first half of the sentence? What the hell does that even mean? I understand the speaker is merely introducing the subject of his profound insight by way of reminding the listener of what it was the other broadcaster WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT, but why do they have to word it just so?

Just once I want Troy Aikman to interrupt Joe Buck and say “Yes, Joe, I talk about Ladanian Tomlinson. Did you have something to say?”